Tom standing in a bunker, covered in sand, already cooked.

Trip theme · Belt to ass beatings · 72 holes

Tom is my bitch

Belt to ass beatings. First tee Sunday 9/7 at 10:40 a.m. on Tom’s Run. Monday: Tom’s Run and Chestnut Ridge. Tuesday: Tom’s Run again. Seventy-two holes. The belt is on the line. The beatings are not optional.

The beltUnclaimed
Tom—
Lance—
Skins$0 · $0

00Days
00Hours
00Mins
00Secs
See the evidence Text this page

Exhibit 0 — Tom, currently living in a bunker he built himself.

The charge

This is not a golf trip.
This is belt to ass beatings.

Tom talks a big game. Tom also wraps cars in birthday paper and passes out on a laundry tub after too many shots. Sunday at 10:40a we take that energy to Tom’s Run and Chestnut Ridge and administer the theme over three days.

There will be a trophy. There will be a belt. There will be ass beatings. There will be a scorecard Tom tries to hide in the cart. None of it is going home with him.

  • Sun 9/7 · 10:40a · Tom’s Run · hole 1 has no water
  • Mon 9/8 · Tom’s Run 18 and Chestnut Ridge 18
  • Tue 9/9 · Tom’s Run again. 72 holes. No parole
Tom on a golf cart at dusk, head in his hands, holding a crumpled scorecard.
Projected 2:40p energy at Tom’s Run. Photographed in advance out of respect for the dead.

Rules of the belt

How the beatings are scored.

  1. The belt

    Lowest combined stroke total over 72 holes. Sunday Tom’s Run, Monday Tom’s Run, Monday Chestnut Ridge, Tuesday Tom’s Run. Ties keep the belt in the middle.

  2. $5 skins

    Every hole is $5. Lower score takes it. Halved holes carry the pot. Skins auto-fill from the live card. Override on the Sunday desk if you have to.

  3. Nassau

    $5 front nine, $5 back nine, $5 overall, each round. A press doubles that side. Lowest total on that side wins. Carry if tied.

  4. Ass beatings

    The itinerary. Seventy-two holes. The belt is the prize. Tom is the undercard.

Evidence locker

The people have a right to know.

Four exhibits. Zero alibis. If this is how Tom lives off the course, wait until you see him on it.

Exhibit A
Tom passed out on a laundry tub after too many shots. Overlay: OWNED!!!!!

The origin story

Too many shots. A laundry tub. He used a utility sink as a pillow. If this is how he finishes a night, wait until he finishes a round.

Exhibit B
Tom in a garage with both hands on his head, staring at a car wrapped in wrapping paper.

The last time he looked this lost

Hands on the head. Flip-flops on. Brain offline. This is also his putting stance.

Exhibit C
A car in a garage fully wrapped in mismatched wrapping paper.

He wraps cars. I wrap leaderboards.

If this is how Tom packages a vehicle, wait until you see how he packages a double bogey.

Exhibit D
Tom kneeling on a golf course giving a thumbs up next to a ball in the rough.

The “I’m fine” face

Thumbs up from a lie he had no business being in. Peak Tom: smiling through a disaster and calling it a plan.

Scouting report

Tom Malewski — classified liability

HandicapEmotional
DriverLoud
Short gameShorter
Clutch puttsSee Exhibit A
Biggest threatPre-round talk
Projected finishLast, loudly

Live cards · Belt to ass beatings

Sun Tom’s Run · Mon Tom’s Run · Mon Chestnut · Tue Tom’s Run. Projected trip: 574.

Four rounds. Double par on every hole. Tom’s Run is par 72 (proj 144). Chestnut Ridge is par 71 (proj 142). Trip projected: 574. Skins are $5 a hole, carry if halved.

$5 skins

The routing

  • 1 Par 4 · 427 · Clubhouse opener. Trees. No water. HCP 3.
  • 2 Par 3 · 152 · Downhill into the valley. Stream arrives.
  • 3 Par 4 · 359 · Tee shot over wetlands. Tight landing.
  • 4 Par 5 · 492 · Risk-reward. Stream still in play.
  • 5 Par 4 · 326 · Signature oaks. Bunker in the fairway.
  • 8 Par 3 · 182 · Water and sand. Long skinny green.
  • 9 Par 5 · 619 · No. 1 handicap. He will not birdie this.
  • 10–18 Opens up. More room. Wind. His card does not improve.
  • Mon Tom’s Run again, then Chestnut Ridge — the original par-71 course.
  • Tue One more 18 on Tom’s Run. 72 holes. No parole.

Wall of shame

Enter it into evidence.

One line. His name is already on the header. Yours can go on the filing.

Hall of pain

Prophecy department.

Not a highlight reel. A weather forecast.

Bunker resident. He didn’t hit out of it. He filed a lease.
Tom kneeling in thick rough giving a sarcastic thumbs up next to a buried golf ball.
Still “fine.” Ball is in a hay field. Thumb is in denial.
A golf ball lost in dark woods with shafts of sunlight.
Hole 1 energy. No water. All trees. The ball filed a change-of-address anyway.
The move. Aimed at the fairway. Filed a flight plan for the trees.
Empty championship green at sunrise with a flagstick in the hole.
The green. Tom will visit. Briefly. From a neighboring zip code.

Game tape

He has not teed off yet.
The film already moves.

Sunday 10:40a at Tom’s Run, reconstructed from available evidence and a complete lack of faith.

Hole 1. Par 4. No water. 427 from the tips. Trees, a clubhouse, and a ball that left the property.
Still hole 1. Tight tree line. Handicap 3. Search party of one.
Holes 2–4. The valley. Architect put the stream on three holes. Tom will visit all of them.
Hole 8. Water and sand on a skinny par 3. He brought neither a game nor a towel.
Anywhere with a cup. He crawled to the hole and still missed. That’s a spiritual problem.

Belt to ass beatings

Seventy-two holes.
Three days. One belt.

Chestnut Ridge Golf Resort. Two courses. Four 18s. The theme is belt to ass beatings. Tom is the undercard.

  1. Tom’s Run · 18

    First tee. Hole 1 is a tree-lined par 4 by the clubhouse — no water. Stream on 2–4. Water and sand on 8. Projected 144.

  2. Tom’s Run · 18

    Same canyon, same creek, less talk. If Sunday was a warning, this is the double feature.

  3. Chestnut Ridge · 18

    The original 1964 course. Par 71, a little shorter, still plenty of room to find trouble. Projected 142.

  4. Tom’s Run · 18

    One more loop through the valley. By now the woods know his name. Projected 144. Trip projected 574.

Sunday film

The real tape lands after 10:40a.

Generated prophecy stays above. Real JPEGs go up from the Sunday desk. QR is for the cooler.

QR code for tomismybitch.com

Scan it. Send it. Belt to ass beatings.

Printable cards

Gold trophy and a black title belt on a clubhouse bar.

The theme

Belt to ass beatings.

The belt is the prize. The ass beatings are the itinerary. He can have the wrapping paper. He can have the laundry tub. The hardware stays here.

FAQ

The facts, before the card.

  1. When is the first tee?

    Sunday, September 7, 2026 at 10:40 a.m. on Tom’s Run. Monday 9/8 is Tom’s Run and Chestnut Ridge. Tuesday 9/9 is Tom’s Run again. Seventy-two holes.

  2. Where are they playing?

    Chestnut Ridge Golf Resort, 132 Pine Ridge Road, Blairsville, PA 15717. Two 18-hole courses: Tom’s Run (par 72) and Chestnut Ridge (par 71).

  3. Is there water on hole 1?

    No. Hole 1 is a tree-lined par 4 by the clubhouse. The stream shows on 2, 3, and 4. Hole 8 is the skinny par 3 with water and sand.

  4. What is the theme?

    Belt to ass beatings. Seventy-two holes. The belt is on the line. Tom is not taking it home.